Update: 04.12.18 - Fears of a first-time mum

This post is about: a general journal entry about my pregnancy and life. #christmas #festiveseason #countdown #babiesdue #twinpregnancy #doubtingoneself #scaredofmothehood #whatif #diy #prebabyplans #preparingfornewarrivals #motherhood #pregnancy #postnataldepression #fearsofparenthood #postpartumdepression #fearsofafirsttimemum

So, that's us in December! Christmas always comes about so fast these days, and once it is over it will nearly be time for me to go on maternity leave and prepare for the babies. I usually love Christmas and go all out for it, but this year my focus is on getting ready for the babies. I plan on going totally overboard next Christmas though. I know the babies will be too young to understand about Santa or presents, but they'll be old enough to pick up on all the excitement and to stare in wonder at all the decorations - that will be enough for me. I can't wait to have children in the house during the festive season, it just isn't the same with only adults around. Having said that, we shall make sure to enjoy celebrating with our best friends (who are due to have their first baby in March) and parents as this will be our last adult only Christmas.

I'm currently enjoying a nice little holiday from work, although I'm spending it painting the living room! My husband and I are determined to get the house redecorated before the babies make their appearance, although I'm obviously terrified that they will come early while the house is still as chaotic as it is now! I certainly hope this is not the case... Once we are done with the living room, the priority will be the nursery, although the kitchen and hallway will still be in need of a coat of paint too, and our own bedroom is desperately in need of its planned makeover - but knowing the nursery is ready will help me to relax and allow me to start organising baby stuff. Even though the twins are going to be sleeping in our room for the first 6 months, we still need to be able to use the nursery for changing and keeping all their stuff.

I know it is perfectly normal to have doubts about your abilities as a mother

Confession time...

Okay, so last night, I began to freak out a little. The fact that I am really going to be a mother soon has finally sunk in after I saw how massive my bump is in my latest bump picture. There is no doubt that I'm pregnant now! No longer does anyone have that dilemma about mentioning my pregnancy without being certain that I am - I'm clearly not just fat anymore, and if I wasn't pregnant it would come as a surprise to anyone. But for me, seeing my bump being so prominent in that photo really made it hit home. Which is great - but it also terrified me.

I've wanted to have children since I was a child myself! There was never any doubt in my mind that this was the way I wanted my life to play out; a house, a good income, a husband and children. Everything is going perfect for me right now, so why am I freaking out?! I think its probably because I've always thought about how I want children, and even if I'd be a good mum, but now it is real and I'm aware of how much responsibility this is. And I've got it twice in one go!

I know everyone will tell me that it is normal to doubt yourself and be scared, and I know that people who know me truly believe that I'll be a good mother, but I still worry that I'll screw this up. There are so many "what if..." questions floating around my mind and I know most of them are silly or things I would just deal with when they happened, but it is awful to have this sudden uncertainty and fear about something you've wanted your entire life - and it isn't like I have a choice now! lol. I know that my fears will subside and that, while I won't be a perfect mother and will eff up from time to time, I'll love my children and try to be the best parent I can be. But only time and experience will take away the twinge of fear that I know will haunt me from now until the babies arrive, and maybe beyond.

The idea of not being able to love my children because of depression worries me a lot

My other big fear is post-natal depression, especially seeing as I've suffered from depression in the past - including self-harming and suicidal thoughts. I still have my low days now, and the idea of not being able to connect with my babies because of depression is horrible. My wedding was slightly tarnished by the fact that - although I seemed excited and happy on the outside - the anxiety I felt about it led to a numb feeling that took as lot of the joy out of the day for me. I remember feeling nervous and uncomfortable, and I did feel moments of pleasure, but mostly I didn't feel much of anything. I don't want to face that again with the birth of my children. It's a horrible feeling and makes you feel guilty when you look back and have to admit to not having the same emotional response as you know you should have.

But I can't do anything about my abilities or feelings as a new mother yet - other than to keep expressing myself using this blog, and to keep reading about parenting so I at least have the knowledge to back me up.