Post-Partum Depression: Why I'm So Scared Of It

As I've mentioned before, I do have a history of depression, although I have been safely off the meds and had it under control for years now. Obviously, even before pregnancy hormones, I would still have the odd bad day and struggle a bit, but I got through. Earlier on in the pregnancy, I suffered a few mood swings and burst into tears on a number of occasions for no reason, most notably at work. However, this week was the first time that I had a really dark day. I felt the grip of depression far stronger than I have felt it in a long while, and it scared me. I cannot tell you how relieved I was the next day when my mood had lighted a little and my motivation returned slightly. It took another day to get back to normal fully, but those 24 hours of depression really worried me. The reason for this is that I have always been afraid that my first few months of motherhood could be marred by post-partum depression. With a history of depression anyway, the increased risk of PPD with twins, plus a slightly higher risk from having a c-section, there is far too high a probability that I will suffer with this, and it kills me to think of it.

Depression took the shine off my wedding day, as the stress of the lead up caused me to have a bad patch in which my emotions pretty much shut down and I felt very little of the excitement and joy the day should have brought me. Not that my wedding wasn't lovely and I wasn't able to enjoy it to an extent, I just felt disconnected from it, which was heart-breaking as I wanted so much to feel every emotion keenly. Now, I fear the same disconnect will come when the babies are born and I will just be left going through the motions but not feeling properly. But, of course, there is nothing I can do about it now other than express my concern to my close family and friends so they are prepared to look for the signs, as am I, making sure I get help as quickly as possible in the hopes that it won't last too long. It's also something the midwife is aware of, and will no doubt make the health visitor aware of also, so they know I'm high risk and may need intervention. If it means going back on anti-depressants for a little while, then so be it. I just want to be a loving mother to my little girls.

Of course, to make life more complicated, there is such a thing as the Baby Blues - an emotional bad patch many mothers go through due to hormonal changes in their body that is akin to PPD but passes on it's own after a few days of tears and mood swings. So, how will I know the difference?

Well, there are loads of resources online and in pregnancy books that compare the two in the hopes of helping new mums and their families tell the difference and know when to seek help. Using the online resources listed at the bottom of this post, I have comprised by own little list this morning that I have written in my notebook along with all the other must-have tips and facts I have picked up from pregnancy books and online reading. Here it is, perhaps it could be useful to someone else too:

Baby Blues:

• symptoms start around day 3-5 post delivery and subside within around 2 weeks.

• weepy

• tiredness but struggle to sleep

• emotionally fragile/ vulnerable

• similar to bad premenstrual tension

• irritable/snappy

• anxious

• lack of concentration/ "baby brain"

• sadness/feeling down

• overwhelmed

Post-Partum Depression:

• lasts longer than 2 weeks

• pretty much all of the other baby blues symptoms

• withdrawing from partner/ support network, feeling isolated

• anxiety is out of control

• insomnia

• feelings of guilt

• feel worthless, useless, not capable

• may have suicidal thoughts

• thoughts of harming yourself or your baby/babies

• not wanting to eat, take care of yourself or the baby/babies

• lack of bonding with baby/babies

• despair

• possibly anxiety/panic attacks

From what I've read, if you feel depressed, emotional and struggle to cope and it lasts longer than 2-3 weeks, ask for help. That's what I plan to do. I don't want to risk any harm coming to my babies because I didn't ask for help.

Bibliography:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/postpartum-depression-and-the-baby-blues.htm/

https://www.parents.com/baby/health/postpartum-depression/postpartum-depression-postpartum-depression-vs-baby-blues/

https://www.motherandbaby.co.uk/for-you/new-mum-yourself-your-body/postnatal-depression-help/key-differences-between-the-baby-blues-and-postnatal-depression-pnd

https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/babyblues-postpartum#1

Also useful reading on this subject (please note that I do get a percentage of the sale should you use these links to actually purchase the books listed):

What to Expect When You;re Expecting: although not my favourite pregnancy book, it is full of useful information on pretty much everything you can think of during pregnancy. Which is also why I didn't like it that much as one to read, there is just too much in it that doesn't apply to me. But it is also one that I referred to regularly as a resource.

The Day by Day Pregnancy Book: this would have been my favourite pregnancy book if it wasn't so big and bulky that I struggle to get into a comfortable position to read it! With a page per day noting the development of your baby from the time of conception right up until it's due date, it is a great companion to have during pregnancy. However, I am not more interested in how much relevant information it contains at the back of the book on labour, caesareans, caring for a newborn and complications such as PPD.

• http://www.readysteadybaby.org.uk - this doesn't have a lot of info on it but does cover the most important subjects. I have a book of the same name from a friend but can't figure out where you can get a copy from other than from your midwife if she has one.

This Isn't What I Expected: I have read reviews on this book and ordered a copy myself. It deals with what it is really like to cope with PPD and sounds like something really useful for anyone facing this or wanting to prepare themselves for it.

Postpartum Depression for Dummies - another one I haven't actually read yet but is in my Amazon basket as a "buy later". From the reviews and samples of this I have read, I think this would be a useful resource both for myself and my husband if I do develop PPD.