So first off, I want to keep this blog anonymous for a number of reasons but the main one is simple: I want to be totally honest. ​

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We all know that the face we portray, especially on social media and to casual acquaintances, but sometimes even to our close family and friends, isn't matched by what we feel inside or what is actually going on in our lives. I've always considered myself a frank and open person, perhaps too much so occasionally. But I also don't want people to think badly of me. I don't want people to know I ate two bags of crisps for my breakfast this morning even though I had morning sickness before that so could really have done with something healthy. I am hardly likely to admit to anyone that I often look at Pinterest when on the toilet and end up sitting there for so long that my legs go totally numb and I have to wake them back up slowly, facing the horrible pins and needles that come when the feeling starts to come back...

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And I don't want anyone, even my own husband who sees every side of me clearly, to see me as failing to be anything other than an amazing mother. I've wanted to be a mum since I was barely more than a baby myself, but that doesn't mean I believe I'll be perfect at it. I'm terrified. And I want to be able to share my fears and failings openly and not pretend to be perfect.

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Hence, my anonymous and secret blog. It's going to be like a private journal from pregnancy to motherhood and beyond - except it's a private journal that I'm making totally public for anyone to read so long as they don't know it is me writing it!

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So what do you actually need to know about me?

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Well, first off, I'm British, as you may have guessed by my use of the word "mum" instead of "mom". I'm in my early 30's and have been married for less that a year. This is my first pregnancy and I found out at 9 weeks that I was having twins and that they are most likely fraternal. I live in a 2 bedroom home that is no where near big enough for our growing family but we are planning to extend it by the time the babies outgrow their shared nursery (so expect lots of DIY related posts). I work full-time at the moment, but with child-care costs and my hatred for my job, I plan to become a stay-at-home-mum for the first few years. My husband and I are also really lucky to have an amazing support network around us. My mother lives in the same town as us and is already planning to take time off work so she can be around to help out as much as I need (hopefully not too much as she'll probably do my head in quickly...) She has been dying to be a grandmother since I was a teenager! I genuinely think that if I had got pregnant at 16, she would have been more excited than disappointed with me! While my in-laws (husband's parents are divorced and remarried, so two sets of happy grandparents-to-be on his side) live not far away either and are both great in very different way. We are also so lucky in that our best friends are also expecting! They are due their first child just a month before our twins are due; so perfect! 

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Awwww, doesn't that make my life sound so charmed. Recently, it has felt that way. Which makes me fearful that something terrible is around the corner, because my life has never gone smoothly. I have suffered from spells of depression, with occasional self-harming and suicidal thoughts, for as long as I can remember. My childhood was not the best and life didn't seem to get much easier when I grew up. So, for me to be in a comfortable position with so much going right is downright terrifying. It feels like someone is building me up high just so they can knock me down. But I'm determined to try and stay positive, and also, to deserve the good things that are happening in my life at the moment. The last thing I want to do is ruin all the good stuff by slipping into depression and anxiety because I think that good things can't possibly happen to someone like me. 

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if i'm anonymous, who are all the people in the photos on here?

 

One thing I want to make clear is that the lovely pictures of babies and bumps and parents playing with their children etc etc that I use to decorate this website are all from a free to use stock images website (with commercial use permissions, not that I am making any money from this blog). I won't be using any real-life photographs on this blog because it would make my anonymity dubious - kind of like the superheroes who use the tiniest little masks that only cover a fraction of their face, yet still expect no one to recognise them! Already, I feel exposed with the little I have revealed about myself above!

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what can you expect from my blog?

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Well, I don't really know. My posts will vary because I'm not writing this for you - I'm writing it for me. Sure, sometimes they will be informative and have some useful tips I have picked up along the way. Other times, I may be having a bad day and just need to vent and purge some emotions. The only promise I make is this: I'll never lie or gloss things over. This will be my truth. Whether that truth will make an interesting read, I don't know. You'll have to find out for yourself. 

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