How not to be THAT kind of grandparent

This post is about: the thin line between being a helpful grandparent and an interfering nuisance. This is my opinion on how to be a great, supportive grandparent and what not to do. #grandparenttobe #firsttimegrandparent #interferringgrandparents #parentsofnewparent

I'm extremely lucky in that I have an amazing support network. Not only do I have my husband, who is so understanding, really hard-working and totally committed to our little family, but I also have family and friends who live nearby and will help us in any way they can. This includes my own mother who lives just a 10 minute walk from me, my husband's father and his wife in the nearest village to us, and my husband's mother and her wife about 20 minutes away. However, having all these grandparents around can be both a relief and a concern. While they are all helping us out by buying and making stuff, and offering advice, I can't help but worry about future arguments. I am very confrontation and don't back down easily. So I can foresee me biting off some heads in the future if the grandparents, as great as they are, don't respect my husband and I as well as our parenting choices.

Some examples of things that have already made my blood boil:

• While baby shopping with my mother, she picked up a really cute little coat, but there was only one of them and she wanted to get two matching. I said that while I am not overly keen on dressing the twins alike most of the time, I do love the idea of them having matching coats. To which my mother replied, "I don't care whether you like it or not, I'm having them in matching coats." First off, why say that? I was agreeing with her anyway so there was no need for it. Secondly, she had better care what I like because I'll be the one dressing them most days, and I'll be the one preventing her from ever getting the fun of choosing their cute little outfits if she is going to be a b**** about it.

• My mother-in-law said recently that she had figured out what her son (i.e. my husband) and she could do with the girls together. There are baby swimming lessons at her local swimming pool on a Saturday morning and they would be taking my daughters there together; but, according to her, I can't go because I can't swim. Actually, I can swim, I'm just terrified of deep water and not a strong swimmer because of my avoidance of getting out of my depth. Plus baby swimming classes are hardly going to be held in the deep end of the pool, are they? Also, my husband is currently working overtime every single Saturday morning and is likely to continue to work at least every other Saturday morning once the girls are here, although he has promised he will cut back as much as he can. So this means that very often our weekends together with our girls will be Saturday afternoon and a Sunday, and that's all the family time we will get together. See why I'm not very happy about the MIL deciding (never considering asking) that she will be taking my husband and daughters from me every possible Saturday morning? And that's not even considering the fact that I'm dying to take them swimming myself!

• The MIL once again annoyed me the other day by messaging me saying "You had better not put my granddaughters in headbands" followed by a "well don't have them wearing them around me because I think they are ridiculous". She sent the same thing to my husband who replied that our daughters would wear what we decided they'll wear and if she doesn't want to see them because they are wearing something she doesn't like, she had better not start complaining about not seeing enough of them. Good on him! He had better be prepared to have more conversations like that with her because I will have a serious falling out with her if she carries on like that.

And our daughters aren't even born yet! I've been reading about other parents' troubles with interfering grandparents thanks to the wonderful world of Twitter and there are definitely a lot worse out there! But no new parent deserves the extra hassle of dealing with grandparents who overstep the mark. So, this post is for all you new grandparents out there.

1) Thinking this is YOUR chance to be a grandparent at last!

If this is your first grandchild, or even your tenth, of course you are excited. Being a grandparent is great, you get all the joys of a new baby but don't have full time responsibility for the infant (at least in most cases). But there is one thing you must remember - this is not your time. You had your children, and regardless of what opportunities to raise them you had, or what interference you may have faced, this is not a second chance for you to do all the fun stuff involved in parenting. You had your chance to be a parent, and now it is your child's turn. This new grandchild of yours may be special to you, but you are not it's parent. You have to give the new parents some space to be able to enjoy an experience that, no matter how excited you may feel, is far more special for them than it could ever be for you. This is their time.

2) Thinking that you know best.

If there is one sentence new parents get sick and tired of hearing from older generations it's "Well in my day we used to do that and my children turned out just fine". Yeah thanks David, I'm aware that spanking your children was the norm in those days. And, yes, Karen, I'm sure putting some brandy in your baby's milk did help them sleep. But you know what, older generation? Times change and so does parenting. If you want to be a grandparent full of useful information that can genuinely help the sleep deprived new parents, buy an up to date baby book, google some baby hacks, do your research and get on board with parenting in the 21st century. There is a reason there are so many editions of the most popular baby books - advice changes. It wasn't long ago that side sleeping was encouraged for babies, now it is most definitely sleeping on the back that is advised. Before that it was said that tummy sleeping was safest. Chances are, a lot of what is advised in current baby books and by the midwives will change again within a few years, but we can only go by what current studies suggest and what works for our babies. So stop with the out-of-date advice and get on board.

3) Criticising new parents.

"Oh, I'm not criticising, I'm just offering advice". Bull****! Telling a new mother than she should or shouldn't breastfeed, or telling a new father that he is holding the baby wrong, or telling the parents that they haven't put enough layers on the baby is criticism. Plain and simple. Strangers and mere acquaintances need to shut the Hell up entirely when it comes to this "well-meaning advice", because frankly, it isn't their place to comment at all. But grandparents often do mean well, and may actually be able to help the new parents in lots of ways - including by offering advice. But you have to find the line between helping them and criticising them. The best way is to put yourself in their position and imagine that it was your parent or parent-in-law (I'm sure at least one of yours annoyed you when you had your child...) was saying it to you while you were sleep-deprived, emotional, and scared you were doing it wrong. Would you have been okay with being told that? New parents have a lot to deal with, and they want help, but if you make them feel judged they aren't going to come to you for help when you may genuinely be able to give it. So, shut up until you are asked. They have midwives and health visitors and doctors to steer them in the right direction, and they will find their way. If they need directions, be the type of supportive, loving parent who they will want to ask.

4) Keep score.

When the new parents do come to you for advice, or something you said or thought turns out to be right, don't you dare lord it over them. This is your grandchild's well-being we are talking about. This is not a competition and you should not be using a scorecard. Ask yourself what you love more; your grandchild, or getting to say "I told you so". Keeping score will only distance you from the new parents who won't want to come to you for help. It could even evoke a competitive spirit in them too, and then everyone becomes more focused on winning points than they do enjoying the special moments with this new child.

5) Thinking that visits are all about you.

My own mum can be a pain sometimes, but she has made it totally clear that when she comes over, especially in those first few weeks after the twins are born, she is not expecting to spend the whole visit getting cuddles and doing all the fun baby stuff. She is planning to do the dishes, making my lunch, making other visitors cups of tea, popping some laundry on, and anything else I need from her. Because the truth is, the babies will only need their mummy at first, and this new mummy will need her mummy. My mum is going to be around for me, not the babies. And that is the best gift I could ask for, especially right after my c-section once my husband goes back to work after his 2 weeks paternity. I'm going to be sleep deprived and sore and trying to get my girls in a routine. So my mum helping me out with the housework or meal prep. will be amazing. That doesn't mean she won't get to spend lots of time with her granddaughters. Because she will be helping me out so much, I'm actually more inclined to let her take the babies out in the pram, and get to pick out outfits for them, or stay for bedtime baths and tucking in. The more she does for me, the more I will do what I can to show my appreciation. So, when you go to visit your new grandchild, remember that you aren't just there to get to bond with the baby, you are also there to support your own child and their partner through a massive transition period of their life. Don't expect to be made a cuppa or offered lunch - instead offer to make them one or bring a picnic basket with some yummy treats for the tired parents. Don't demand to get to take the baby out for a walk or to babysit - tell the new parents that you're happy to take care of the baby if they need to a nap. And when the child is older, this situation shouldn't change. Make your visit as pleasurable and easy for the new parents as you can, and you'll find you are welcomed back with open arms rather than begrudgingly told that, yes, you can come again next week...

6) Ignore the rules because you're a grandparent, so it's okay to spoil them.

If there is one thing I will be making clear to all the grandparents from day one (in fact, I've already mentioned it) it is that these are our children, so everyone follows our rules. It is not okay in the slightest to give a child a cookie when the parent has just said that they have exceeded their sugar allowance for the day and can't have anymore. Just because you are a grandparent, it does not give you the right to ignore rules that have been carefully thought out by the parents and put in place. Too often, grandparents want to be the ones who spoil their grandchildren so the kids want to go to grandma's house because she lets them stay up late and eat ice-cream. You'll find that your child and their partner become far less inclined to ask you to babysit if they know that you are going to make them look like the bad ones for having rules. Frankly, I have three sets of grandparents to choose from for babysitting duties, and if I know that any of them are going to ignore what I say, they won't be the ones who get to have the kids when they want them. Don't punish my child when they are naughty even though I told you to? Then I'll punish you by saying you can't take them to the beach. Granddad didn't let you have any pudding because you didn't eat any of your vegetables? Guess which grandparent is in mummy's good books and will get invited when we take you to the zoo? These are our children, you will raise them our way. You are our parents, we know your techniques and what worked, so if your way worked that's probably what we have based our rules on anyway...

Oh, frankly, the list could go on and on and on and on. Grandparents, what you need to remember is that the better parents you are to the new parents, the more they are going to want you around and in the lives of your grandchildren. So think about whether you want a good relationship with your child and their partner, and thus their children, or if being an interfering know-it-all who spoils the children and annoys their parents is the legacy you want to leave behind.