Gender Disappointment Is Okay

This post is about: #genderdisappointment, dealing with your partner's gender ideal, and how I felt when I found out I wasn't having what I thought. #genderreveal #pregnancy #pregnancyissues #baby #babygender #findingoutthesex #twinpregnancy #onlypregnancy #sonsanddaughters #dealingwithdisappointment

First off, I'm writing this because I don't think that gender disappointment is something that is discussed enough, even in pregnancy books and blogs, and is something more people face than will be willing to admit to. Now, as I've said before, I keep my blog anonymous because I want to be free to be completely honest, and this is one of those times when I want to be free to be completely open about how I feel. Why? Because there are far too many people out there who believe it is okay to make you feel guilty about this.

I can't wait to be a mother, whatever the sex, but a boy/girl set of twins would have been lovely

As you know if you've been reading other posts of mine, I am having twins that are believed to be non-identical, meaning that the sexes of the babies could go either way, or one of each. For months now, I've had to put up with people saying to be how it would "complete" my family in one go if we were lucky enough to get one of each. First off, that pisses me off. A family doesn't need to have one of each gender to be complete. It doesn't even need to have children to be complete. Families come in different shapes and sizes and sexes! I always wanted two children, therefore my family will be complete in my eyes when my twins are born - regardless of their sex. I have relatives and friends who have one child with no intention to have any more - therefore their family unit is complete. People need to think before they speak, but for some reason no one seems to be able to when it comes to comments about pregnancy - whether it is mentioning gender, bump size, how the woman is looking, or even your financial situation - people think that your pregnancy means they can let loose with comments on everything. But that's a rant for another day perhaps.

Secondly, I did in fact want a boy and a girl. It's what I've always wanted, and the hope that I would get one of each with the twins was intense - so was the "instinct" telling me that this is what I was going to have. So, add to that the number of people who were determined that I was indeed going to have one of each and it sets one up for a big fall. I began to get very worried before the detailed scan because: 1) they may not have been able to tell us both or one of the sexes if the babies were being awkward. 2) if it was anything other than one of each, I knew I was going to feel a bit upset. I went into the scan with my confidence that I was indeed carrying one of each waning, and feeling guilty that I was more focused on the gender than the fact that this scan is intended to pick up any abnormalities that could affect the babies. There were far more important things that could have been picked up on the scan than two sets of the same genitalia - but you can't help what you feel.

Thirdly, I had to deal with the added pressure of knowing that my husband was very much set on having a little girl. Ever since he came around the idea of having children, it was always a girl he wanted. so when we found out it was non-identical twins, he decided that a boy/girl pairing would be perfect, and girl/girl would be pretty great. He has admitted that although a pair of boys would be just fine and he would still love being a father, he would feel a bit jealous of our friends who are expecting a girl. Although he will ohhh and awww over any cute baby or toddler now, it is always the little girls who make him smile the most, and he always shows far more interest in girl's clothing and toys in the children's shops we have began to frequent. He's not a lad's lad, and I think he associated having a boy with sports and "manly" pursuits that aren't interesting to him as an artist. So I knew that if it was two boys, I was going to have to deal with my own disappointment as well as his. That was the worst worry...

Now, there is something I have come to realise on the lead up to the scan that was hopefully going to reveal our twins' sexes - there is nothing to be guilty about. You can't help how you feel and it is perfectly normal to have a preference. Of course, it is worth keeping in mind that in this day and age, having a boy is no guarantee that you'll be going to footie matches and building forts with him when he is older, and having a girl doesn't mean it'll be all princess castles and makeup. Children will grow up to be who they want to be - and what their genitals are on the scan picture may have nothing to do with the interests they have, their sexual preference, or even the gender that they identify as. So I tried to keep all this in mind. But the most important thing I went into the scan thinking was that if I was wrong about it being a girl and a boy, it was okay for me to be disappointed.

While a healthy baby is what we all want, its okay to have a gender preference

And I was. The first baby gave us a good flash of their private parts and the sonographer was confident that number one is a girl. The second baby wasn't quite as forthcoming at first but gave us a good enough view for the sonographer to be fairly certain that number two is also a girl. Two girls. My husband was grinning when the first one was announced but I felt my stomach knot. When the second one was confirmed, I did feel myself get a bit tearful. I was disappointed.

I'm very glad that they are girl/girl and not boy/boy though. For one thing, I would have spent the next few weeks having to perk up my husband about it, as well as dealing with my own disappointment. For another, our best friends are having a girl, my husband would have been jealous - probably favoring his "niece" over his own sons. But I wanted a little boy as well, and I do feel sad that I won't get that. We don't intend to have any more children, so this is it.

However, as disappointed as I felt, I must say that the relief of the rest of the scan results coming back so positive was a massive relief, and did totally outweigh the whole gender reveal. Knowing that there was nothing to indicate a problem was more important than the fact that there was no penis! Of course, as an expectant parent your child's health will be your number one concern. But I need to make it clear that despite this, I still felt a little bit sad at knowing that I wasn't going to get one of each as I thought and hoped.

Two girl's for us!

Over the next few days, I started to focus on all the positives to having two girls. They may be the best of friends, and best friends with our best friends' daughter. They'll be able to support one another through puberty, first heartbreaks and all the other traumas of growing up that boys are less inclined to share. And although I fully expect them to be total daddy girl's because my hubby is so soft and doting, a mother and daughter have a special bond... I'll get that twice over. Having the same sex means if our plans to add an extra bedroom to our house don't work out, they'll be okay to share for much longer than boy/girl twins would be considered socially acceptable to share. And I do genuinely love the idea of having a daughter, now I get two.

But while my disappointment didn't prevent be getting excited about all the girly baby stuff my husband and I began to look at, I still had to grieve a little for the son I'll never have. And that's just fine. I can be sad I won't have a boy without it taking away even a fraction of the emotions I feel about having my two little girls growing well inside me.

I'm so excited now that it feels real! I can feel them move much more now than I could a few weeks ago, and we've chosen names plus a theme for the nursery. It's the best feeling in the world. I'm going to be a mum!

Gender disappointment is okay, and it doesn't make you love your child any less.

My two daughters will soon be here...