What About the Daddy? (Or other mummy)

This post is about: what I define a supportive partner to be, how we can help our partner to navigate pregnancy and how this time can affect relationships. #newdad #partnersinpregnancy #goingitalone #familyconnections #startingafamily #newbaby #firsttimeparents #relationships

So tonight I want to talk to you about the father of my unborn children, the changes relationships may face during pregnancy and beyond, as well as how a partner can be supportive. This is entirely from my fairly uneducated viewpoint. This is totally subjective, rather uninformed (I have been reading up about this matter but I'm no expert) and very much just my opinion on the matter. So bear with me. Also, I will be focusing more on the mother/father dynamic than same sex relationships, and focusing on pregnancy as opposed to adoption. This is partly because this is what I know more about, but also because opening the scope too wide will just turn this post into a thesis and no one wants that...

Life isn't always so picture perfect

So first off, where am I coming from on this? Well my own perspective is based on my relationship with my husband and his support during my pregnancy so far. And I know that I am rather "lucky". (My reason for using speech marks will become apparent later on.) So far, my husband has been really good. He isn't mollycoddling me or telling me not to do things, knowing that only I can feel my limits and know what is too much, but he is also not complaining about doing anything I feel unable to physically do. During the first trimester he was especially brilliant, knowing that I could barely stand being in our kitchen for more than a few minutes at a time as the thought of food and the smells of the kitchen made me throw up. He emptied the bin regularly to prevent the build up of bad odors, did the dishes constantly and cooked most nights too - and all this was on top of working longer hours than I do and coming home to do a couple of hours manual labour in the garden after work. He has also not been at all turned off by my changing body. He actually told me that since he began to get excited at the prospect of the babies, he has felt even more in love with me and thus been even more attracted to me. Nevertheless, most of the time he also tries to respect the fact that I don't often feel like sex. He has Pinterest boards about baby stuff and has shown an active interest in both the pregnancy and what comes after. He's supported my decision to have an elective cesarean and told me that it is my body so my choice (something I appreciated even though I made it clear that while it was my body, it affects his babies too so I was happy for him to have input - but that's another post, another day). And he has even said that he is happy to shave my legs and bikini line when I start to struggle to do it myself!

However, I don't want you to think I have the perfect man and he doesn't have his flaws. While I wouldn't ask for anything more than he has done, and I don't expect him to get everything right, he isn't perfect - no one is! I'm certainly not. I must admit that I was somewhat deflated and upset by his reaction (or lack thereof) when I first told him I was pregnant. Now, I know my husband has certain traits relating to introversion and probably even being on the autistic spectrum, and these include the need to allow new ideas and changes to be processed slowly. (He also needs to have a plan for everything, needs time to prepare himself for large social gatherings or certain outgoing people, goes into his own little world frequently, and can spend hours thinking about how something works or planning things out in his mind). But despite knowing that this is the man that I married and I have to except that he doesn't like change and freaks out about new things, it still hurt a little that when I told him the biggest and best news of our relationship, he kind of froze up. It wasn't as if it wasn't planned! But he apparently, wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly (2nd cycle of trying). He didn't say much except to ask a couple of questions. I know I shouldn't have expected a massive and emotional response from a man like him, and the flaw is probably mine for being so sensitive, but I did wish I got a better response. He did, of course, come around and was very excited once he had time to process it. We went through the same shock and "time to process routine" a few weeks later when we found out it was twins - but this time I merely laughed (a lot!) at his stoic silence because of the relief and happiness I myself felt.

Nevertheless, like I said, my husband's lack of enthusiasm when we first learnt of the pregnancy is not really a flaw of his - it was my choice to marry an introvert who doesn't do big emotional reactions and I shouldn't have expected more from him than his personality could give. This is my man, this is who he is, and this is who I love completely, so what kind of person does it make me to want more than that? Well, a human. We are a flawed species and never 100% happy, let's face it.

Having a supportive partner who wants to be involved is a lovely feeling

Anyway, this leads me back to how "lucky" I am. I'm not using speech marks because I don't believe my husband is amazing and supportive and everything I need from the father of my children. I say "lucky" because frankly, it wasn't luck that I married a guy who is supportive. It's half the reason I did marry him! If I hadn't seen in him the potential to be this person, I wouldn't have let it get to this stage to be honest. When I first met my husband, he was not the man he is today. He was still infatuated with his ex - despite having nothing nice to say about her and having many a long rant to me about her. (Honestly, I'm quote fond of his ex because, damn, did she make me look good. I have never had to put so little effort into being liked by a boyfriend's family and friends, because they just kept comparing me favourably to her!) He had debts, a drinking problem, and basically, his life was a mess. And me? I was also in debt, had just secured a full-time job after years of struggling by with three part-time ones, and my life was just as much a mess as his was. I was screwed up by my bad childhood, had lost confidence in myself and hadn't had a relationship longer than 8 months. If I had got pregnant during our first year together, I would have been guaranteeing a future in which I was raising our child(ren) alone or with someone else, because we were far from ready as a couple or individually.

Fast forward a year, and finally, our relationship was on solid ground. I was truly and deeply loved by this man who now had his shit together. My depression was under control and my life was a lot better. We made plans for me to move in with him, we talked about the future and we were in a really good place. This was when he first started to show a real interest in fatherhood - but in a future that was still some way off. If I had got pregnant then, I don't know how it would have gone down; but I could not have been sure that I'd have a supportive and enthusiastic parenting partner. I do know he wouldn't have been very happy about it at first. It may have been around this time that we had a conversation about people who become parents without planning it. He said that while he was sure he would love an unplanned child just as much, he thought there would always be a little less excitement about that child and maybe even a little resentment, because it was unplanned. (Keep in mind that my husband has to have everything pre-planned - it is a rare day when we do anything spontaneous and he does not like last minute changes to plans).

So, if I had fallen pregnant earlier on in our relationship, whether by genuine accident, or a deliberate deception on my part, things would have been very different. I was desperate to become a mum for a long time before we started trying. But I waited patiently because I wanted the security offered by having a partner who was completely committed to being a parent and ready to support me. I didn't get that husband by being lucky. I got that husband through 5 long years of being supportive of him, so he could become the husband I have today; a strong, successful man with a good career who loves his wife wholeheartedly and is excited about becoming a father. I got this by waiting until the right time in our relationship and life to start trying for a baby. I got it by being very careful with my contraception choices and making sure nothing happened before it was meant to. And I certainly got it by not deliberately getting pregnant by not taking contraception and then lying to my partner about it being an accident.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, but relationships are hard work

I'm not saying that accidents don't happen and that women who falls pregnant when taking proper precautions are to blame for anything. And I am also not saying that men aren't also responsible for making sure no "mistakes" occur or that they are in the right at all when they act like it isn't their problem. It takes two to make a baby and both parties have opportunities to make sure it doesn't happen when the time isn't right. Sometimes, an unplanned pregnancy is the greatest thing that can happen to a couple and they can both be very happy about it. Everyone's situation is different. Sometimes, a couple may plan a pregnancy and one of them still ends up deciding they don't want this anymore and not committing themselves to it. What I am trying to say is that most of the time, having a partner who is supportive and loving isn't just down to luck. If you choose the right person and the right time, you are far more likely to end up with a partner who will be involved. If you thrust a pregnancy upon an unwitting or reluctant person, of course they may not be as supportive, even if they get on board with it and want to be a parent. Like I said, every situation is different and this is a very generalised way of looking at it. I don't mean to be offence towards women who are upset at having a partner who is not supportive, but I do want to encourage you to look at why this is the case. Is it completely their fault? Are you expecting too much? Is there a way for you to gain their support and commitment?

First off, if you are reading this and are not yet pregnant, please think about your relationship and whether it is ready for this added pressure. I read so many posts on forums by women who are going it alone after being let down by the father or complaining that their partner is not supportive, and it is painful to read because pregnancy should be a special time in your life and having a partner to share it with and take care of your needs is what every expectant mother should experience. In some cases, the strain in the relationship is not anyone's fault and is just something that happens when your situation changes so dramatically. Occasionally, this can be overcome by both parties working at mending and strengthening the bonds and becoming able to look forward to the impending birth together. Sadly, sometimes this isn't the case. However, there is one situation which rarely ends well that I have zero sympathy for the mother and think is very wrong: when a women deliberately gets pregnant without her partner's consent. Whether in an attempt to secure your bond with your man, or from a desperation to be a mother; it is never right to do this and is unfair on both the father and the baby. When this scenario leads to a woman raising a child alone or having a partner who is not supportive during the pregnancy, I would go as far as to say it is deserved. Rarely does this kind of deception work out well for women. And at the end of the day, it is usually the child who pays when the parents' relationship is poor. It isn't fair on anyone. I've seen this first hand, and it is painful to see. It must be so much more painful to live through, whether you're the deceptive mother, the unwitting father, or the poor child lost in the middle.

If you do find yourself pregnant and not getting the attention and support you need from your partner, these are some tips on helping to strengthen the relationship and your partner's bond with the unborn child, whatever the reason behind the issue. As you know by reading this post, I am not in this situation, so my expertise in this field is limited to my knowledge of the relationships of my friends/family members, and what I have read, but I hope they help someone.

Even if they aren't supportive during the early pregnancy, your partner may be a great parent

1) Talk to your partner.

It is so obvious, but also extremely difficult to actually do. But the truth is, the only way to truly deal with any problem in a relationship properly is to talk about it. First off, it cannot be a confrontation or a monologue. Don't go into the conversation intent on ranting or when angry. Wait for a time when you both calm and able to communicate well. Preferably speak in private, a third party such as a friend or family member is likely to take a side and could make matters worse. If you feel you need an objective person to help the conversation flow, you should consider a professional like a relationship counselor, but don't spring this upon your partner either, discuss it first. The conversation should be two way and you need to ask questions and listen to answers, not just purge all your pent up frustration. (These are my tips but please see the link below for actual expert tips on how to have a difficult conversation with your partner. https://www.verywellmind.com/tips-when-you-have-to-talk-2302246 )

2) Keep your partner "in the loop"

I think that sometimes, it is difficult for the partner to feel involved because they aren't the one who is actually pregnant. You are feeling lots of things during pregnancy that they do not get to experience, and it can be difficult to be involved. Tell him/her how you are feeling, physically, emotionally and mentally, so they can understand what you are going through and see ways to help you. One way is to get a pregnancy book or app that breaks down the physical development of the baby and your body into bite-size pieces, so they can see what is happening inside you and to you, without being bogged down with entire pregnancy books to read. My husband and I have a "day by day" pregnancy book (it's huge!) that has interesting facts and tells us about the development of the babies. Its just a page every day, and you could sit together to read it every evening, so you are bonding with one another and the baby. You can also share facts that you learn from your own research (try not to bombard them with too much baby talk) or get them interested through comedy books about pregnancy - especially ones aimed at the father.

3) Tell them how to support you

Your partner is not psychic (well, I'm assuming...) and needs to know what they can do. This doesn't mean moaning to them about how crap you feel all the time. While you should share the negatives, try not to put them in the position where they feel guilty about you going through this. Instead, focus on telling them things like what makes you feel bad. For example, if I had just complained about morning sickness, my hubby would have just felt sorry for me and guilty that I was going through it and not him. Instead, I moaned about it a good bit (who wouldn't!) but I told him how the smell of the bin or dirty dishes had me running out of the kitchen and stuffing my head down the toilet bowl on a daily basis. So he made sure to try and keep on top of the dishes and emptying the bin. When I need him to do something because I feel too sick, too weak, too sore, too tired or it is something I shouldn't do when pregnant, I ask him to do it for me and explain why.

4) Say thank you!

Again, it is obvious - so why do I have a feeling a lot of women need reminding of this?! Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to be waited on hand and foot like a pampered princess and treat your partner like a servant with no gratitude shown for what they do for you. If they are not being supportive and doing things for you all the time, try asking (nicely!) for them to do something then be genuine and enthusiastic in your gratitude. A simple "thanks" may not be enough of a positive reinforcement to encourage spontaneous acts of kindness in the future, so make sure to emphasis how much you appreciate what they did for you (obviously, keep it at a realistic level!). Example: "Babe, the bin is full and smelly, and it's a bit heavy for me and making me feel nauseous, would you mind taking it out for me, please?" And when they have (even if it is not immediate and your frustrated by their lack of urgency), "thanks for taking the bin out sweetheart, I really appreciate it." It doesn't have to be a huge deal, but constantly focusing on what they aren't doing and moaning about it is not going to help either of you. Concentrating on the positives allows you to start being genuinely grateful for the little things they do, that maybe you weren't noticing. For them, it is gratifying which will hopefully make them want to do more. We all get a little stroppy sometimes and can only see the negatives, so try to find some positives and use this positive reinforcement to train your partner, yes, like you would a dog! (I do not suggest giving them a biscuit every time they are a good boy, but for bigger acts of kindness, you may actually consider getting them a treat to say thank you.)

5) Remember that you are probably changing too

It is often hard to notice when we are being moody or irrational, especially at the time. Pregnancy hormones do play havoc with you, and whether you are aware of it or not, there is a good chance that your attitude to your partner is changing a bit. Whether you are having full-on mood swings, losing interest in things like sex, or just feel a little blue occasionally - if you've changed since getting pregnant this can cause some of the strain and distance in a relationship. Chances are, you can't do much about it. I burst in to tears at work today for no particular reason. I genuinely had no reason for crying, but couldn't stop it from happening. Simply acknowledging the fact that you are changing and aren't necessarily acting the same way as before towards your partner can go a long way. If you consider the possibility that you may be having an effect upon your relationship, you should be able to start seeing ways of fixing it. Apologise occasionally - even if you aren't completely sure if you are in the wrong. Ask your partner if you are being hard work - and don't get annoyed if they say yes! Try doing something with them that is normal and reminds them of your pre-pregnancy self and relationship. Consider that they may be trying their best and that you aren't being your best self either. Tell them that you know you haven't been the same, and that you hope it doesn't affect them too badly. Just show them that, although you can't always control the way you are now you are pregnant, you understand that everything isn't their fault, but you need their support and patience.

6) Don't talk about baby stuff all the time

Okay, I'll admit, this is a hard one for me! I often "baby-out" my husband by going on and on about baby stuff and reading out things from baby books etc. He is pretty good about it and is genuinely interested, but sometimes it does become a bit too much. It was the same when we were getting married. I had to limit the amount of time I spent talking about wedding stuff to him and learn to recognise when he had enough of it, and give it a break. It wasn't that he wasn't interested in the wedding - he ended up far more excited about our wedding than I was - it was just that he had a limit on how much he could take at one time. Every person is different, but the truth is that you are probably going to be more excited than your partner at the beginning of your pregnancy. While you should try and share this with them, learn to read whether they are interested or not, and if not, don't keep going on. If they are never interested, a short conversation about baby stuff every now and again may be enough to spark an interest, without making them feel too pressured. Give them a chance to breath, and consider having the odd day when you go out and do something together without you bringing up anything baby related for the entire time. See if you can go a whole day without bringing up babies, and if you struggle you may realise you have been focusing on babies too much and not enough on your partner's need to adjust slowly to this life-changing time.

I have other ideas, but it is now gone midnight, I have work tomorrow and my pelvis is not liking the fact that I have been sat in the same position for so long! To conclude, I just want to repeat that every situation is different, and we as people are very different. No two couples will be experiencing pregnancy in exactly the same way. This post is pretty much just dealing with a generalisation of a small portion of scenarios. I wish that all couples having a baby were in a good place and that both partners were truly committed to this and there for one another. But sadly, that isn't always the case. Sometimes it is because the time wasn't right. Sometimes, one or both of the couple change. Sometimes someone who seemed like the ideal partner to have a baby with turns out to be someone totally different. And sometimes things work out pretty good. I know I have a brilliant husband and future father to my unborn children, and writing this post has helped me to appreciate him that little bit more. So I'm off to kiss him goodnight and snuggle into him. Sweet dreams.